Hidden Influences

When anger is hidden so deep

How did you get here? Who gave you permission to enter?

Just because the pouting began, just because withdrawal set in

Doesn’t mean you are my friend.

So what I can not have my way, does no mean you have the right to stay.

Rub my skin- do not touch me!

You are not my friend, release my heart from your grip.

I won’t get angry- won’t let my tongue slip,

lash out with words I can’t retract, that I can never take back.

So what if I am disappointed, things are not going as planned.

I am not the way maker, I won’t make demands, I am in training for contentment,

and not the controller of other’s hands.

Expressing gratitude for kind acts, even when the do not fit my expectations

is an acquired virtue I have not mastered yet.

But this apparent confusion within me is not an invitation for your viewing.

I must decipher my feelings, my attitude.

What is the cause of this major distraction that sends me into a recurring retreat?

The cause of this unyielding growth lies deep within, emerging its head at certain cues.

There is a tangled root among past sins, among the thorns of life experience.

It comes and goes with my emotion, a constant strand of revulsion.

It has to be revealed- this root of destruction, and with it, is the key to your departure.

Searching through the maze of female emotion

It becomes clear that there is no one solution,

Walls are up, but by design to keep out the undesired kind.

Forty years thick, each brick has a name.

Made of special materials, so access is not gained.

Signs should be posted, warning the approaching, but there is no instruction.

Searching for the root of this undesired manifestation,

like searching through an haphazardly laid maze of rubbish filled with toxins.

No longer serving a purpose, and yet it is disgustingly thick.

No on warns you that defensive tactics could lead to this.

Don’t wear your emotions on your shoulder, you need thicker skin

Don’t lash out, hold your tongue

But years later when the most loving of all people can not get in

the immediate response is, “She’s a bitch” don’t waste your time, she’s not worth it.

Not realizing that one experience leads to another, the result determines the direction of the wall and the size of the key needed to open it all.

Again no one tells you that while things are being blocked out, the source of the evil lies within, not without, and it continues to sprout.

No risk taken makes me safe, but no risk taken means no change takes place

Nothing gained because nothing is played

No loss recorded because there is no score

The secret garden of unruliness has no front gate, no exit, no window, no pass code,

No light shines through

Must tear down this wall, brick by brick, stone by stone

Take the risk, gain an inch

Identify the culprit of the unwanted manifestation of emotion

Painful it may seem but the wounds will heal

Clean out the garbage and all that festers

Dig deeper still until the root is revealed through the muck and the mire,

the slime of desire. Identify it, it has a name.

Surprise! Did you think it was only one? They are all different and yet the same.

Pain of rejection led to fear of rejection, offensive tactics block opportunities that might bring acceptance. Pain of abandonment led to fear of abandonment.

• Fear of loneliness.

• Fear of failure

• Fear of success

• Fear of neglect

• Fear of abuse

• Fear of misuse

• Fear of repeat offense

• etc., etc., etc.,

Pull them out, each root, one by one and present them to the Son.

Ask for, forgiveness, for all that has been done, by all that it has been done, including myself.

The cause, no longer a sufficient excuse for this run, it’s no longer necessary to remain here. I don’t want to remain here,

Burn it up, it is chaff, let new growth take hold,

Make way! Let the Husband Man come in! He will start a new garden, a fresh all things made new garden.

No more of the same, the former things are done away.

Let Him reign, this season has changed, Let it be changed,

Become brand new

In Jesus name, Amen